The answer is...

that's weird.

I found the perfect reply to a non-question question is to just say, "that's weird." It seems to satisfy the asker, and get me off the hook from doing anything about said question.

Example: Airplane is held at the gate for "minor maintenance," and a couple maintenance guys show up and board the plane, fuss with some doo-dad or another, and leave. Rampy tells flight attendant she can close the cabin door. Flight attendant tells Rampy that Maintenance is coming back. Rampy waits and waits, unloads another plane at another gate, goes back...nothing. Finally sees pilot come out of the plane and "not ask" where maintenance is with the flight book. (By "not ask," I mean, he says: "They took the flight book," (and cocks his head like a dog). Since Rampy has no radio, or clue as to who he'd call if he did, he looks at the pilot and says:

"That's weird."

It's the only way (for me) to travel.

Sweet success! Flew to Vegas and back for free! When you travel as a non-rev, you are at the mercy of the traveling public and the kindness of gate agents.

Leg 1 - MSP to LAS:

Ice-queen gate agent upgrades me to first-class. Who knew? 

(Broken) Leg 2 - LAS to MSP (11:55 Flight): Snot-bag gate agent is worthless on a flight I have no hope of getting on. Tells me she's sure I've been automatically listed on the next flight out (I wasn't), but can't check, because she pulled a sammich out of her ass that she couldn't wait to go eat. 

Leg 3 - LAS to MSP (2:30 Flight): Found a couple of very nice gate agents that get the whole "non-rev" thing, and ended up with a great Exit Row seat. They were as happy as me! 

Next time I fly, I'm bringing treats for the nice gate agents, and ass-sammiches for the mean ones.

You tell me.

I thought it was curious, and kind of annoying, that the TSA agent asked me if I had any liquids in my bag as I was sending it through the X-Ray machine.

I'll push you anywhere, as long as it's backward.

I think it's funny when pilots tell me what runway they're taking off from. It's not like it's going to change what I do. 

And if you look out the left side of the plane, you can see &%$#ing Hoover Dam.

Pilots swear. A lot.

Overheard at MSP.

I guess you picked the right career, then.

Not-so-pleasantly-plump TSA agent sitting in a chair: I'm not into the whole "fitness thing."

Where would you go...

 if you could fly anywhere for free?